something inside

Something inside has me frightened, curious and insecure

I ponder and doubt like a flickering light, just when I thought I was sure

Who am I at this very moment compared to whom I used to be?

What is it that I should be feeling, based on the things that I see?

Purpose conflicts with action, dreams go against what is real

Pain seems to be an affliction of the time that it takes to heal

I worry for all that’s beyond me, a future without clarity

Though faith is a part of my journey, it’s not yet truly alive within me

I want to be more than what this is, but acceptance unfolds all my fears

For inside I’m still lost and broken in a present that seems so unclear

I’m a slave to lazy desires, which surface beneath my skin

Though I cleanse in my mind and my spirit, I keep wrestling the forces of sin

Great heartache is found in reflection, not only myself as the cause

Situation is rife with submission, to a play with no visible pause

Reminders of anger, of blackness, cloud every intent of goodwill

They live and they breathe with some madness, unwanted and leaving me ill

Yet I know that that the world is calling, begging of all I can give

Strength often so hard to come by, amidst the confines in which others live

My weakness so poignant in these words, but a new day of hope will surprise

For selfishness turns to humility, when looking through another’s eyes

I am more than what I think that this is, though comforted in wallowing prose,

Still I need to revive and refocus, moving on from the doors I should close

There is greater within and above me, more powerful, loving and free

Darkness itself can never withstand the light that is inside of me.

something inside

the change within

It is commonly understood that significant change can occur in a very short period of time, after all, ‘the only thing constant is change’ as they say.  I wonder then, why I am always so surprised when I am confronted by it.

Having recently made a vow to myself to be more self-caring (rather, necessarily selfish), I’ve begun to be more distrustful of others who seem to be letting me down more and more these days.  I’ve been foolish to expect to see my qualities in others (not that all mine are good) as I have experienced just how much my kind intentions have been taken advantage of.

I have held myself back time and time again from pursuing personal goals to protect the best interests of others.  I have given others the benefit of the doubt believing they would come through for me, too naive to realise their own selfish motives.  I have exhausted my own energies to help and to care for others, neglecting my own quest for progress, fulfillment and contentment.

However, amidst the external changes now surrounding me, I have become more aware of what they actually mean for me.  And my gut is telling me at this very moment, they mean nothing.  Because even though forces outside of you evolve, it doesn’t mean that you do. You have to make a conscious decision to either embrace the change, resist it or completely reject it.

As the optimist, I can see the long-term benefits, I can anticipate the excitement that will follow this change.  But the pessimist in me questions how the change impacts on me personally – it may be for the greater good yes, but will it be so for me?

Fear of change of is of course a means to an end, but how do I differentiate that from simply preparing myself to deal with the possible pitfalls of said change?

Have I just created a problem for myself with this new self-centred strategy?  Should I return to my overtly humble and selfless ways?

the change within

the road not travelled

In my twenty-eight years, I have had the opportunity to go abroad just once: to Canada in 2002 as part of the World Youth Day Pilgrimage, one of the most spiritually enlightening experiences of my life.

That aside, I’ve not yet had the luxury of seeing the rest of the world.  While that often saddens me, it isn’t something I particularly regret not having accomplished thus far. I guess this comes with having accepted my personal and financial situation as well as my decision to place other things in higher priority.

Still, being amidst an environment that prides this notion of travel as a key element to attaining happiness and success, I inevitably find myself wafting in and out of feelings of self-pity and despair. I do long for adventure and so often question myself as to what is I’m waiting for before exploring what is beyond my comfort zone. Am I not brave enough? Do I fear life once I return?  Am I too committed to work and to people and to home that I feel I’d be reckless and irresponsible if I were to leave it all for a while?

This year was meant to be the year my sister and I ventured to New York City. To immerse ourselves in the bright lights of Broadway, skate at Rockefeller Center and walk through Central Park. It is a dream of ours as it is for many, and seems will be for a while until we can find a way to get there.

I’ve always told myself that travelling means to experience new worlds without ever holding back. Without worrying too much about the logistics of getting from place to place, without feeling limited by tight budgets and instead be daring and excited and grateful. I want to be resourced enough to feel that I could truly do that, but is it this very idea that is in fact (ironically) stopping me from doing so?

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve come up with all of the possible excuses to justify why I have been mostly homebound.  Yet other times, I’m so strong in my convictions that I believe that travel for me must be with greater purpose than to simply see sites and landmarks and tick things off a list.

What if I never get to stare up at the Eiffel Tower in wonderment?  What if I never get to feel romance on a gondola in Venice?

Is having these experiences truly essential in validating our self-worth? Or do we succumb to societal expectation that it is where we have been that defines our credibility and is a measurement of how successful we are?

For now, though often conflicted about why I should more actively broaden my horizons, I take the road less travelled in choosing not to travel that road just yet. The road that society and my peers say I should take to reach their somewhat narrow understanding of happiness.

Undoubtedly, happiness comes with overseas adventures, but ultimate happiness comes from within. It’s that part that I need to work out first.

the road not travelled

fear and other catastrophes

I think it was Oprah who said that you should always try to surround yourself only with people who lift you higher.

I continually strive for this, keeping those with loving, giving and supportive natures in my closest circles but unfortunately, not all poisons can be completely sucked out.

There are people who play an important part in my life but somehow impact things with their negative energy. They roadblock every hopeful opportunity and instead perceive new possibilities as risks. Every decision they make is an inaction, ie. a choice to not do something. And they are quick to justify this choice due to factors that take them out of their comfort zone. Things are either “too expensive” or “too far” of “too dangerous”. I know that it’s really because they’re just too scared to take a leap of faith.

As much as I try to avoid such pessimism, I’m confronted with it every day. I can’t always control the situations I’m placed in but I know that I can manage my reaction to them. In many ways, the challenge of being around these types of personalities benefits my personal growth – I know now the path I definitely don’t want to take and the kind of person I definitely don’t want to be.

Still it can become very tiresome combating negativity, particularly when people don’t even see their own wrongdoings. What irony it is that those who appear most courageous are in fact cowards inside. Sometimes, I just get so over it, I get sick of hearing how and why things can’t be done, what the dire consequences could be for trying, how I could be accountable for what doesn’t work out if I pursued an opportunity. It’s not as if I foolishly disregard worst case scenarios, I would just prefer to focus on preparing for and then attaining positive outcomes. If we anticipate failure, we don’t give our minds a chance to plan for success.

I wish certain people in my life would realise that. Telling them so is only one part of it, they need to learn it for themselves. They need to learn to embrace change, to take risks in order to move forward in life, to empower themselves with a positive mindset in everything they do.

Fear gets us nowhere. Courage lets us explore. Faith brings us to where we are meant to be.

fear and other catastrophes