something inside

Something inside has me frightened, curious and insecure

I ponder and doubt like a flickering light, just when I thought I was sure

Who am I at this very moment compared to whom I used to be?

What is it that I should be feeling, based on the things that I see?

Purpose conflicts with action, dreams go against what is real

Pain seems to be an affliction of the time that it takes to heal

I worry for all that’s beyond me, a future without clarity

Though faith is a part of my journey, it’s not yet truly alive within me

I want to be more than what this is, but acceptance unfolds all my fears

For inside I’m still lost and broken in a present that seems so unclear

I’m a slave to lazy desires, which surface beneath my skin

Though I cleanse in my mind and my spirit, I keep wrestling the forces of sin

Great heartache is found in reflection, not only myself as the cause

Situation is rife with submission, to a play with no visible pause

Reminders of anger, of blackness, cloud every intent of goodwill

They live and they breathe with some madness, unwanted and leaving me ill

Yet I know that that the world is calling, begging of all I can give

Strength often so hard to come by, amidst the confines in which others live

My weakness so poignant in these words, but a new day of hope will surprise

For selfishness turns to humility, when looking through another’s eyes

I am more than what I think that this is, though comforted in wallowing prose,

Still I need to revive and refocus, moving on from the doors I should close

There is greater within and above me, more powerful, loving and free

Darkness itself can never withstand the light that is inside of me.

something inside

cherish

Outside of the spectacular and extraordinary events in one’s life, there are also beautiful and simple little moments.

I find that as I get older I am more attuned to them, recognising them at the time they are happening, and being thankful for them afterwards. (Is this maturity?)

I had one such moment yesterday, at lunch with a colleague. It occurred to me how much we connected on a spiritual level; our discussions revolved around personal values, aspirations and humanitarian works. We shared uncommon stories with one another, ie. those beyond what we did on the weekend and what we’re planning to do at the next one.

I listened with admiration as she spoke about her calling to ministry in underprivileged communities, I noticed her eyes well up a little as she described the moment God showed her what she is meant to do in her life. I was touched by the sincerity of her faith.

I even learned my own truths from my colleague yesterday (though I am usually the one to give advice and encouragement), she made me feel secure about my path, holding up a mirror so that I could see the reflection of my own light. Deep down inside I already knew what she was telling me, there is just a beautiful affirming feeling that arises from being told by someone else.

My mother instilled in me the notion that everything happens for a reason, that every person you meet on your journey either teaches you a lesson or provides you a blessing. I strive to never take that for granted because those beautiful little moments, with beautiful people who are sent to us, that’s what brings colour to our lives – they are symbols of hope that through connection with others we can be more than we are, simply because others help us see what we often cannot see about ourselves.

cherish

fear and other catastrophes

I think it was Oprah who said that you should always try to surround yourself only with people who lift you higher.

I continually strive for this, keeping those with loving, giving and supportive natures in my closest circles but unfortunately, not all poisons can be completely sucked out.

There are people who play an important part in my life but somehow impact things with their negative energy. They roadblock every hopeful opportunity and instead perceive new possibilities as risks. Every decision they make is an inaction, ie. a choice to not do something. And they are quick to justify this choice due to factors that take them out of their comfort zone. Things are either “too expensive” or “too far” of “too dangerous”. I know that it’s really because they’re just too scared to take a leap of faith.

As much as I try to avoid such pessimism, I’m confronted with it every day. I can’t always control the situations I’m placed in but I know that I can manage my reaction to them. In many ways, the challenge of being around these types of personalities benefits my personal growth – I know now the path I definitely don’t want to take and the kind of person I definitely don’t want to be.

Still it can become very tiresome combating negativity, particularly when people don’t even see their own wrongdoings. What irony it is that those who appear most courageous are in fact cowards inside. Sometimes, I just get so over it, I get sick of hearing how and why things can’t be done, what the dire consequences could be for trying, how I could be accountable for what doesn’t work out if I pursued an opportunity. It’s not as if I foolishly disregard worst case scenarios, I would just prefer to focus on preparing for and then attaining positive outcomes. If we anticipate failure, we don’t give our minds a chance to plan for success.

I wish certain people in my life would realise that. Telling them so is only one part of it, they need to learn it for themselves. They need to learn to embrace change, to take risks in order to move forward in life, to empower themselves with a positive mindset in everything they do.

Fear gets us nowhere. Courage lets us explore. Faith brings us to where we are meant to be.

fear and other catastrophes