twenty nine on twenty eight

Well the day is almost upon me. Another year older, another chapter to write, another road on which to venture.

And yet somehow, I feel indifferent to it all. Yes there is some reluctance, some fear and denial, but mostly, I want to avoid the attention.

I don’t quite understand my current state of being (though I am a little under the weather with an aching head and fatigued body), I’ve been moody and restless and impatient with people as well as myself.

Perhaps subconsciously I’m just really afraid of the expectation that comes with this new age. To come to terms with the reality, the pressure from the outside world that says I should be somewhere more than where I am now.

True that this flickers in mind quite often, but birthdays always seem to shine a brighter spotlight on parts of your life that are still in their draft stage.

What did I expect of myself at 28? Have I even accomplished anything that I thought I would have by now?  What will this new year bring that will be different? That will make me better? Happier?

It’s a weird feeling to think so deeply about it, a few hours between my current age and my new age. Who do I want to be and who I am working towards being?

It’s way too easy for me to fall in a heap right now. I’m tried, a little uninspired and helpless and I’m not sure why. Is my physical state affecting me emotionally? Or am I just over-dramatizing what can easily be fixed by a good night’s sleep?

Maybe the time is just right to shed this old skin of mine.

Tomorrow is a new day.

twenty nine on twenty eight

the road not travelled

In my twenty-eight years, I have had the opportunity to go abroad just once: to Canada in 2002 as part of the World Youth Day Pilgrimage, one of the most spiritually enlightening experiences of my life.

That aside, I’ve not yet had the luxury of seeing the rest of the world.  While that often saddens me, it isn’t something I particularly regret not having accomplished thus far. I guess this comes with having accepted my personal and financial situation as well as my decision to place other things in higher priority.

Still, being amidst an environment that prides this notion of travel as a key element to attaining happiness and success, I inevitably find myself wafting in and out of feelings of self-pity and despair. I do long for adventure and so often question myself as to what is I’m waiting for before exploring what is beyond my comfort zone. Am I not brave enough? Do I fear life once I return?  Am I too committed to work and to people and to home that I feel I’d be reckless and irresponsible if I were to leave it all for a while?

This year was meant to be the year my sister and I ventured to New York City. To immerse ourselves in the bright lights of Broadway, skate at Rockefeller Center and walk through Central Park. It is a dream of ours as it is for many, and seems will be for a while until we can find a way to get there.

I’ve always told myself that travelling means to experience new worlds without ever holding back. Without worrying too much about the logistics of getting from place to place, without feeling limited by tight budgets and instead be daring and excited and grateful. I want to be resourced enough to feel that I could truly do that, but is it this very idea that is in fact (ironically) stopping me from doing so?

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve come up with all of the possible excuses to justify why I have been mostly homebound.  Yet other times, I’m so strong in my convictions that I believe that travel for me must be with greater purpose than to simply see sites and landmarks and tick things off a list.

What if I never get to stare up at the Eiffel Tower in wonderment?  What if I never get to feel romance on a gondola in Venice?

Is having these experiences truly essential in validating our self-worth? Or do we succumb to societal expectation that it is where we have been that defines our credibility and is a measurement of how successful we are?

For now, though often conflicted about why I should more actively broaden my horizons, I take the road less travelled in choosing not to travel that road just yet. The road that society and my peers say I should take to reach their somewhat narrow understanding of happiness.

Undoubtedly, happiness comes with overseas adventures, but ultimate happiness comes from within. It’s that part that I need to work out first.

the road not travelled

fill up your lungs and just run

The reality that death is imminent is fearsome yes, but even more frightening is the idea of not living as if you are truly alive.

There are so many things that I want to achieve in my life, places I want to see, people I want to meet, change I want to create. I’m scared that I’ll never have the time, the resources or the opportunities to do it all and that often overwhelms me to the point that I can’t even make a start.

But today was a revelation.

Driving home from a beautiful dinner with a dear friend, I listened to Sara Bareilles’ ‘Chasing The Sun’ and there, I felt clarity.

This earth that I stand on is someone else’s ceiling, I owe it to their memories, their experiences and their hopes for the world to make something of life by just living it. There lies power in the gift of my heartbeat alone – I cannot be wasteful or ungrateful for I am, we are, incredibly blessed just to be here.

My dear friend and I talked for hours about life and the future, we both feel something great ahead for us and it is with that optimism that we have both been working towards it. Of course we acknowledged the obstacles, the world’s harsh realities, but we were too immersed in love and beauty to let it get in the way.

And then to end the night, Sara B, once again, through her music, spoke to my heart and perfectly encapsulated everything that I know deep down and strive to believe in every day. That is, to go on living with a real thirst for feeling alive. To breathe in the fresh air, run with your dreams, always aspiring to be and do more. To be extraordinary and amazing.

For life is not meant to be wasted.

fill up your lungs and just run

refining sugar

It’s no secret and anyone who knows me will tell you just how much of a sweet tooth I am. Present to me any type of dessert (nut-free) and I will eat it. Ice-cream, cake, chocolate, donuts, pastries – I crave them and they crave me.

But alas, in this new world of clean eating and sugar-quitting, I have more than ever been forced to come face-to-face with my addictions, trying my utmost to deny the truths of what refined sugars are actually doing to my body, how they make me feel and thus (reluctantly) trying to work harder to kick the habit.

“How vexing it oft can be that things that are good in fact do not yield any goodness! How ‘refined’ sugars though extracted of their impurities, in fact lead to an impure self!” 

(Pardon my Shakespearean aside, I enjoy a vent now and then).

Okay so I’m not one to go completely cold turkey on something, I’ve never thought of self-deprivation to ever be a good idea in the long run.  But I do care enough to work for a better and healthier version of myself.

I know that I can definitely practice greater discipline and cut back on my sweet intake, after all, I’ve been told that I’m sweet enough… (yep, I really did just recycle an old joke).

refining sugar

happy new me

How predictable of me to start 2015 with a post about my New Year’s resolutions!

With so much happening in the last few months, I failed to document my latest trials and tribulations which makes me worry that the blur of 2014 reflects my negligence in being truly present and grateful for everything I have experienced. (To quickly re-cap, since my last post in May, I’ve learned to ski, joined a band, grown out my bangs and deactivated my facebook account – here’s to new challenges and being more social in real life!).

Thus I owe it to you readers, to be more accountable for my actions this year; to be more honest, interesting and I suppose, positive (well I’ve always been more of an optimist than otherwise, I’ve just really understood the power of this now that I’m in my late twenties).

So for accountability’s sake, I write below that in 2015, I will strive to:

1. Be more in the moment.

2. Take better care of myself.

3. Proactively work towards achieving my goals.

The overarching theme of my resolutions being to simplify things; from the food I eat to the way I think and most of all, to be better placed in finding contentment.

I hope this year also brings forth a happy new you!

 

happy new me